Trapped

We can’t go anywhere or do anything that I want to. You can forget about lazy foreign holidays or trips around historical sites. Life will just carry on around us and we’re stuck. Stuck in a rut that will only end in the worst way.

No I’m not talking about Covid-19, but my state of mind a few weeks ago. Although I do bumble along quite happily most of the time, the lows are still there and seem to hit harder sometimes simply because they take me by surprise.

This time, although I knew I was feeling miserable, I just couldn’t see that I was being unreasonably so. I was in a hole and couldn’t see my way out and when that happens logic flies away and it’s impossible to reach out for help. What’s the point? Nobody can help. Nobody cares. 

I was worrying about some aspects of Pudding’s care, but not sharing concerns with Hubby – he’s got to keep working to support us and doesn’t need more pressure on him – and at the same time resenting him for not knowing. And I was losing sleep over little things that I had no control over.

Like I said, logic doesn’t hold much sway.

So what snapped me out of it? A blogger friend of mine, Gemma from Isla’s Voice checked in on me as she often does. Just a simple message asking how I was doing. Maybe it just came at the right time to find a way through my barriers, but I found myself letting some of it out and sobbing as I wrote back to her. That night I was still holding the world at bay, but Hubby came and gave me a hug. Often when I’m feeling emotional/angry I’ll escape from contact as soon as I can, but he held on and my walls came tumbling down. I cried. Messy crying.

We talked. And the world became infinitely better again.

But it wasn’t until the weekend and our walk in the woods that I twigged what one of the main contributing factors had been. (I’m supposed to be intelligent, but hey…) No wonder I was feeling trapped. It’s not my family that is the problem. It was the weather. We had been pretty much trapped in the house every weekend for the last month by regular storms. Not easy to wrap up and head into nature when you’ve got wheelchairs and poor balance to consider. And I DO really need a fix of nature every so often.

Of course with coronavirus complicating the world right now, social distancing and self-isolation are the key words being thrown around and we may end up having to stay in again. But spring is around the corner, the weather is improving, and the garden desperately needs some work. I am determined not to feel trapped by this.

I only ever really write about our own story. I’m no expert and don’t feel qualified to preach to others or give advice. All I can say is that reaching out to others really can make a difference. Maybe not every time. Maybe sometimes you’ll be pushed away. But just maybe you’ll be the right person at the right time and you can help them out of that hole.

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