If…and I have to keep repeating this one to myself… if, Pudding’s temperature behaves itself again this week, we will be able to start having infusions at home.
Trying so hard not to get too hopeful about this one.
In other news, I saw a lovely man at the hospital last week. He made me laugh, and he made me cry. I’ve never seen a psychologist before, or indeed anyone working in that sort of field, so I wasn’t at all sure what to expect. I’ve had times over the last six months when I’ve wondered whether I was depressed. Mostly I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not – just dealing with something monumental. But of course, I’ve got no real experience, so it was good to have someone outside it all to say, ‘You’re reacting entirely normally.’ And because he has worked with the Willink team for many years, he knows all about MPS, so I didn’t have to explain a thing.
It was such a relief to meet someone new, and have him look directly in my eye and say what a horrible thing it is that we’re facing. So often people mean well, but just don’t know what to say, and I find myself helping them out, brushing aside my own feelings to ease the conversation past this uncomfortable bump. Not that I blame them at all – I know I’d have had problems myself before all this. This is, I suppose, the benefit of all the talking therapies – the chance to be freed of all the constraints of normal conversation. To say things that you keep hidden from almost everyone else. To be challenged.
He tried, and failed, to get me to say out loud that I was doing a good job. And I was surprised by how difficult I found that. Because I know deep down that I really am. The session reminded me of all the times in my life that I’ve lacked self-belief. Times when I have taken the easy road to avoid having to face things. Times when I have resisted change. Times when I was scared that I’d be found out as a fraud who doesn’t really know what she is doing.
But this time, there is no easy option. I can’t avoid this one. I know I will do a good job. For my family, for both my boys. And for me. Because if I don’t, things would be a whole lot worse for everyone.
So yes, Stewart, although I may still have difficulty saying it out loud, I am doing the best I can. And yes, I will ace it.